Invisible

I just realized that I have spent so many years trying to hide and be invisible that I have become invisible. Things are being revealed to me about me and they are not easy to take. I'm facing the past which I have pushed under the rug for so long. I have realized that I'm deflecting my issues off on to my daughter which is detrimental to her growth. I have been hiding from a lack of confidence. I worry about what others think of me. I worry that if I stand out that my failures will be put on display and I won't be good enough. I don't know where I get this from but I have let it control me for far too long. I stay silent. I fade into the background. I retreat back to my hiding places. I NEED TO STOP AND STAND FRONT AND CENTER!!!

I'm tired of being overlooked...I'm tired of feeling inadequate...I'm tired of feeling unworthy...I'm tired of feeling insignificant...I'm just TIRED!!!!

What to do now?

PRAY...

(to be continued...)

Reconstruction of the Broken

Not sure where to begin...
For the past year and a half, I have been dealing with a spiritual battle. My heart has been very heavy and I have in essence walked away from God. I have no real excuses. I can't justify my actions. I can spew mess like:

• Praying for my friends/family and their lives wore me out


• Being there for everyone else and no one being there for me wore me out


• Fighting to keep my marriage afloat all by myself wore me out


• Juggling all my responsibilities alone wore me out

I could go on but I think that is enough. None of this excuses me from separating myself from God. But I did it. At first I felt rested. No spiritual battles, no endless tears, no tests, no nothing just peace and quiet. Then it got too quiet. I lost friends, I lost my marriage, I grew angry and bitter, and I have a hole in my heart that was once filled by God Himself. I mean, at one point, I was on FIRE! I was known as the "encourager". I would listen to the needs of my family and friends and then go BOLDLY to the throne of grace to ask God to intercede and meet their needs. But...who was praying for me? Who was there for me? I couldn't rely on my friends and family for support. You see, everyone thinks that because I am strong and independent and had this connection with God that I didn't need anyone. What people failed to understand was that I am just a woman. Nothing superhuman about me. Just a love for God and a love for the souls of others. By no means was I perfect but I did have a solid thing going with God for many years. It was something I was proud of and it yielded me much fruit. Now, there is a void. A void that can only be filled by God and His loving kindness.

Lately, I have been longing for His companionship. I have been desiring my relationship with Him again. Unfortunately, I am stumped on how to get it back. I mean, I know that all I have to do is call upon Him and He will answer but then the whispers from the enemy begin and they tell me that God will forgive me but I will have to answer for my time from Him and it won't be pretty. When I was rolling strong with God, fear wasn't in my vocabulary because the word tells me that God doesn't give us the spirit of fear. This is how I know that the enemy is using my weaknesses against me. I have been listening to his lies and it has paralyzed me terribly. I have been mean and evil towards those I love. I have been angry and taking my frustrations out on the world. I have been impossible to take lately (I can't even take being me). I need someone to be my champion. I need someone to love me and stand in the gap for me. Everyone wants something from me but no one wants to give to me. I don't want material things. I just want/need encouragement and support. I need someone to listen to me. I need someone to rest on when things get overwhelming. I need GOD!!!!! No man on this planet can give me what He can.

The challenge: I now need to overcome my fear of retaliation and go humbly to the throne of grace and ask for His forgiveness. Then I need to acknowledge who He is in my life and ask Him to help me from this point on. I'm broken and only He can fix me. I need to start today. I need to go to Him and get the ball rolling. I want to report back and say that I have started communing with the Heavenly Father. I need this burden lifted from my spirit. It feels like a weight is holding me down and I can't breathe. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to rise above my mess with God as my guide. I want to clean up my life and accept the fact that left to my own devices, I screw up everything. I am starting the reconstruction of Yulonda by writing this blog. Next step, talk to God. Next step, read His word.

Let's start there.